PSA: This is not for attention but for awareness. This is a very real thing.
I have depression. I have anxiety. I was diagnosed this March with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. But, it does not define who I am. I can be happy sometimes and still be depressed. I can live a normal life (my normal, not yours) and still live with depression.
On February 2, 2016 I decided to take a small handful of painkillers. Why? Because I was angry, I was so sad inside I became angry. I felt ignored and uncared for. I wanted to see if my parents cared, but they reacted in anger too. Mad that I would think of doing this. I did not do it to kill myself or even hurt myself. I knew that the amount I took would not hurt me much, I immediately wished I had taken more because my mom and stepdad did not react in a caring and concerned way. They told me to spit it out, to eat an egg an throw it up. I talked to several people, nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, that night and told them all the same thing. I wanted to see if my parents cared. They do care but not in the way that I needed. Not in a tender compassionate way, just a “we don’t want you to die” way.
Well that night ended and I completely regretted it. I had to take anti-acids and had stomach pain. I would never do anything like that again because I now know that I have many reasons to stay healthy and alive. But it’s different when you are depressed, you are a completely different person when you are in that moment. I had a panic attack that night before I took those pain killers, and God spoke to me to not take anymore.
“You have more to live for Breanna.”
And I do, but I am still dealing with depression and anxiety.
I have experienced much loss and death in my life and with my fragile caring heart it is easy for me to break. I am alive because of God and I will now live for God.
I am working on getting healthy, physically and mentally.
But I cannot do it without positive encouragement. I may seem ok on the outside, I may seem happy, but I am good at putting a face on. I am good at covering up stuff, I have had to do that for years.
I love my mom dearly.
She has been a strong and great influence, but every parent has flaws. I still love her and know that she is the perfect mother for me.
I love my stepdad.
I know he is not perfect.
I know my stepdad does not understand my depression at all, but I cannot deal with hurtful things from the people that I love.
Love is a choice. I am choosing to love my parents despite our issues. But I do not like how I have been treated.
This is why I am thankful for college and my support system. I have a counselor there and a great XC/Track team, so far, and I will soon gain a great roommate and classmates.
I have have vitamin D deficiency that is a cause of depression and it is common in my genes.
So I am writing this to tell you that if you have known me or seen me in the past year, then you may have seen me struggling, in school or life, and it was because of this. But I am open about it because I do not want to hide it, I want people to understand me. I do not think it should be something that people keep hidden from friends and family because many people have it and it can get worse if there is no one there to support you. This is my choice. Not everyone can share this like I can, because everyones journey is different. I am determined to fight it and to not let others ignorance hurt me.
You can treat me like you normally would but if you see me down, you can ask what’s up.
Now I know that many people don’t know what depression and anxiety feel like. Before I was diagnosed and started on medications it felt like this.
My depression felt like:
I am worthless, and so sad I want to die. What is the purpose of living anymore? I felt as if I was not in control and there was evil inside me telling me that I had no purpose. I felt as if I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not feel love or happiness. Even with my nieces and they mean the world to me. I felt degraded and overwhelmed. I was failing school and before I was a top student. I hated school and had loved it before. I could not control my feelings and I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I slept a lot and when I ate, I ate horribly.
I still experience some of these thoughts, but I am getting better slowly but surely.
I still and struggling with anxiety the most, I have been on anti-depressants longer.
My anxiety feels like:
I am shriveling up and I am not in control. Like I cannot do anything right. As if every little problem affects me. I have uncontrollable thoughts of bad things happening to me or of people judging me. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and squished into a ball.
I have panic attacks. It feels like you are dying and you want to die. I have a sensory overload and I feel like I am being crushed. My chest tightens up and I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I laugh. I get a migraine. I get dizzy. I feel faint. I feel pain. Emotionally and physically.
I have not had a panic attack in a while and I do not want to ever have another.
It is horrific
But today I am ok. Today was a good day, until I saw that unneeded inconsiderate comment. But now I am ok again, because I have the hope that people will better understand. Just writing this has helped me ease my anxiety. Thank you to those who read this. Feel free to share and ask considerate questions. If you are dealing with depression and/or anxiety, don’t ever hesitate to message me. And don’t forget that you are loved by God.
He has lead me through this hard journey and is pulling me to dry land. Hand in hand God will get me through it. He has made me strong and given me the power to be a happier Bre. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you to those who have ever supported me and said kind things to me, I may not have said anything in return, but they all mean so much. I love you all and I love my family, all of you.!