I am weak but He makes me strong. 

PSA: This is not for attention but for awareness. This is a very real thing. 
I have depression. I have anxiety. I was diagnosed this March with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. But, it does not define who I am. I can be happy sometimes and still be depressed. I can live a normal life (my normal, not yours) and still live with depression. 

On February 2, 2016 I decided to take a small handful of painkillers. Why? Because I was angry, I was so sad inside I became angry. I felt ignored and uncared for. I wanted to see if my parents cared, but they reacted in anger too. Mad that I would think of doing this. I did not do it to kill myself or even hurt myself. I knew that the amount I took would not hurt me much, I immediately wished I had taken more because my mom and stepdad did not react in a caring and concerned way. They told me to spit it out, to eat an egg an throw it up. I talked to several people, nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, that night and told them all the same thing. I wanted to see if my parents cared. They do care but not in the way that I needed. Not in a tender compassionate way, just a “we don’t want you to die” way. 
Well that night ended and I completely regretted it. I had to take anti-acids and had stomach pain. I would never do anything like that again because I now know that I have many reasons to stay healthy and alive. But it’s different when you are depressed, you are a completely different person when you are in that moment. I had a panic attack that night before I took those pain killers, and God spoke to me to not take anymore. 
“You have more to live for Breanna.”
And I do, but I am still dealing with depression and anxiety. 

I have experienced much loss and death in my life and with my fragile caring heart it is easy for me to break. I am alive because of God and I will now live for God. 

I am working on getting healthy, physically and mentally.

But I cannot do it without positive encouragement. I may seem ok on the outside, I may seem happy, but I am good at putting a face on. I am good at covering up stuff, I have had to do that for years. 
I love my mom dearly.

She has been a strong and great influence, but every parent has flaws. I still love her and know that she is the perfect mother for me.

I love my stepdad. 

I know he is not perfect.

I know my stepdad does not understand my depression at all, but I cannot deal with hurtful things from the people that I love. 

Love is a choice. I am choosing to love my parents despite our issues. But I do not like how I have been treated. 
This is why I am thankful for college and my support system. I have a counselor there and a great XC/Track team, so far, and I will soon gain a great roommate and classmates. 
I have have vitamin D deficiency that is a cause of depression and it is common in my genes. 
So I am writing this to tell you that if you have known me or seen me in the past year, then you may have seen me struggling, in school or life, and it was because of this. But I am open about it because I do not want to hide it, I want people to understand me. I do not think it should be something that people keep hidden from friends and family because many people have it and it can get worse if there is no one there to support you. This is my choice. Not everyone can share this like I can, because everyones journey is different. I am determined to fight it and to not let others ignorance hurt me. 
You can treat me like you normally would but if you see me down, you can ask what’s up. 
Now I know that many people don’t know what depression and anxiety feel like. Before I was diagnosed and started on medications it felt like this. 
My depression felt like:

I am worthless, and so sad I want to die. What is the purpose of living anymore? I felt as if I was not in control and there was evil inside me telling me that I had no purpose. I felt as if I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not feel love or happiness. Even with my nieces and they mean the world to me. I felt degraded and overwhelmed. I was failing school and before I was a top student. I hated school and had loved it before. I could not control my feelings and I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I slept a lot and when I ate, I ate horribly. 
I still experience some of these thoughts, but I am getting better slowly but surely. 
I still and struggling with anxiety the most, I have been on anti-depressants longer.
My anxiety feels like:

I am shriveling up and I am not in control. Like I cannot do anything right. As if every little problem affects me. I have uncontrollable thoughts of bad things happening to me or of people judging me. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and squished into a ball.  

I have panic attacks. It feels like you are dying and you want to die. I have a sensory overload and I feel like I am being crushed. My chest tightens up and I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I laugh. I get a migraine. I get dizzy. I feel faint. I feel pain. Emotionally and physically. 

I have not had a panic attack in a while and I do not want to ever have another.

It is horrific
But today I am ok. Today was a good day, until I saw that unneeded inconsiderate comment. But now I am ok again, because I have the hope that people will better understand. Just writing this has helped me ease my anxiety. Thank you to those who read this. Feel free to share and ask considerate questions. If you are dealing with depression and/or anxiety, don’t ever hesitate to message me. And don’t forget that you are loved by God. 
He has lead me through this hard journey and is pulling me to dry land. Hand in hand God will get me through it. He has made me strong and given me the power to be a happier Bre. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you to those who have ever supported me and said kind things to me, I may not have said anything in return, but they all mean so much. I love you all and I love my family, all of you.!

part of my story

Since July 5, 2015, I have been attending East Lake Community Church by myself. However, I realized after a while that I was not alone when I sat in this new church. God was with me and is with me every Sunday that I am there. This may be hard for some of my friends to hear because for the last 8 years I have been attending Columbia First SDA church. I love Columbia First and all of the people there and I will continue to visit as much as possible, but for now I need everyone to hear my story. 
July 3, 2015 was the first day I ever set foot at East Lake Community Church. I was there to remember the life of my middle school friend Ashley who had Leukemia and passed away on June 30. I didn’t know Ashley well, but I wish I had. Since her passing I have been inspired by her. I have grown so much closer to God in the past 8 months than I had in a while, and I owe a lot of it to her and God’s power. I believe 100% that God brought me to East Lake. I have not told really anyone yet because I felt that I would be judged or pushed away, but I realized recently that I must give others a chance before I judge them. 
I started attending the SDA church when I was 10 and I believe that God brought me there for a reason too. I have meet so many wonderful people there that I hope to continue to be friends with. I grew stronger to God there but after some time I began to feel like a black sheep and that I was not growing any closer to God. It is not because anyone at the church, but my personal self and all of the changes in the church and in my life. My Journey has just begun. 
Since I have been attending East Lake, I realized I have so much more room to grow in faith than I knew. At East Lake I have meet so many new people and I have learned so many new things, about myself and God. 
I have been attending the Current youth group since July as well. I now do the lighting for Current and I recently started bring my friend and his girlfriend who I feel will benefit from some time with God and other youth. 
I cannot explain it to everyone, how I feel or what I believe. But I do believe that My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins and I will do everything that I can to be the best, however flawed, Christian that I am. 
I love Columbia First SDA church and all of its members, but I also have come to love East Lake and its community. 
For now I believe that God brought me to East Lake. I know some will not agree with my decision, but I know that my parents are happy as long as I know my beliefs and I am worshiping the right God.
Each person goes through trial and tribulations. I have gone through more than I thought could ever happen. Things have not gone my way and hard decisions have been made.
For those who have read this, I thank you for your time and thoughtfulness. I know I have changed a lot in the past year and many do not know how I have been below explains my thoughts. 
About the Breanna that is here today: 
In the past year I have lost 6 people that I knew. I went through Christmas once again without my family in Texas. I missed my nephews 7th birthday and this was the 7th one that I had missed. I have not seen my baby nephew since he was a few weeks old and he will be a year old before I see him again. I have recently bee dealing with anxiety and depression like thoughts. I have been seeing a counselor and I will be going to a psychiatrist soon. I have been withdrawn more so recently for reasons that I do not understand. I have missed too many days of school and I am constantly making up school work. I got a job for a month then had to quit because of stress and school. I benefited some from the job but realized it was at the wrong time. I have high cholesterol, low iron, low Vitamin D, and I am pre-diabetic. I have gained weight recently and I don’t know what to do. Somedays I am happy and all smiles and somedays I just want to hide from the world or run aways to a far away land. But through all of this and many other things, I have gotten closer to God. Oddly enough. He is helping me get through it and he has given me the strength to reach out for help. For now it is a day to day struggle. I am reaching the end of high school and the beginning of college. I am writing a new chapter in my life. I am finding God again. And I am so thankful for those who has been there through all of this. And those that I have not told, it is because I was scared to hurt you or I did not know how to explain it. 
I thank God for guiding my fingers as I type this, words straight from my heart. Thank you. 

Separation Part 1

I don’t know how others do it. I normally don’t talk about this, but I need to now. Christmas coming around and my oldest nephews 7th birthday coming up only makes it harder. When I was 10 I moved to South Carolina. I left my dad, my brothers, and sister. My sister married and had a son, Noah. I saw him for the first time when he was a few weeks old. I have visited Texas to see him around 11 times in the past 7 years. Now, this past year, my sister had another son, Jonathan. I visited Texas when he was a few weeks old and spent a week there. He is 6 months old now and I will not see him again till possibly April or May. It’s been hard, being away from them, being away from my bug sister is hard enough. And my dad and big brothers. I am not sure how I do it, but I have been the past 8 years, and its been rough. I know I will get through it, but I think I grew up too fast because of it. 

Why I have always been single. 

I am an 18 year old high school senior and I have never had a boyfriend. Everytime I tell someone this, they ask me “why?”

 I have finally come up with my full answer. 

Firstly: I am not the most attractive girl out there and I have only had a few guys ask me out. I don’t exactly have guys lined up to date me, but I don’t know that I would date even if I did. I think (honestly) that guys are a little scared of a girl like me, I talk too much, I love children, and I plan on keeping pure till marriage. Some kids think I am ridiculous. 

This brings me to my second point:

I am not ready to give myself to someone at this age and I have so many goals that I want to reach. I want to be able to support myself before I marry, if I ever do. My faith leads me to believe that a body is scacred and only to be shared with the person that you love and will spend your whole life with. This may not be reasonable in this day and age, but I will not settle for less because I do not have to. Plus I know that relationships take lotsssss of work. 

So, yes I wear a purity ring and yes I will wait, but that is my choice. 

My third point is that:

How in the world can I (really) date someone and learn about who they are if I haven’t figured myself out first? Ok, so most teenagers do not have their emotions put together and we will not fully develop untill around 25. I have so much going on right now that I could bot deal with any more drama. Trying to find a job is hard enough. I need to learn how to balance, school, family, church, and extra curricular  activities before I add a guy to that. I need to organize my life before I can think of organizing around some one else’s. I need to figure out how my emotions work, what I believe in, and what I want to be first. You should be able to take care of yourself before you try to take care of others too. 

Also I don’t have a job so, how can I pay for a BF? All those gifts add up and I need to pay for gas money. 

Sure, I may like a guy, and I do now, but I am not going to stress myself over it. 

And yes, if a guy asked me out that I liked, that I had similar interests, and that I know is a good guy, I would consider saying yes. But they will not be my center of attention. I put God first, then Family and School. If I believe that God puts a guy in my life that he intends for me, then I will know. Also the key to finding the right guy is figuring out who the wrong type of guy is, and I think I have that figured out based on watching others’ relationships. 

So, yea I don’t know where I will end up, but I am not planning on having a boyfriend because, if it is meant to be, it will be. And like I said before, it would be nice to figure myself out first! I mean, no teenage girl has all their emotions together. However, if that guys asks me out and he is sincere, then we shall see.

For now I will wait. After all, “True Love Waits”. 

So if I ever stray away from God, he will wait for me. That is why you want a man to wait, then you will know that he is a man after God. 
All of this is my view, in no way am I trying to sway someone else’s opinion (or tell them to not date and that it makes no sense, because it does for some). You all feel free to date who you want, as long as you don’t judge me for my choice. For me, I will find a guy that lives everyday for God. A giy that will treat me and my family with kindness and will love God first. 

Thanks for reading my first blog!